|
There are few
times of year as emotionally loaded as the holidays. For many families,
what should be a time of laughter and sharing turns into a turf
war and popularity contest. For kids stuck in the middle of two
households, it can be a time rife with stress as each side battles
for its own traditions, leaving the child in the middle to make
sense of it all.
Meanwhile,
the adults have good intentions. We all want to make sure the kids
are learning the spirit of the holidays and building a tradition
that helps define the family as a family. But at what cost? Sometimes,
the best thing a parent can do is to let go of an old tradition
and let something new take its place, something that better fits
the new reality of your lives.
When I was
a kid, we celebrated Christmas at two houses. At first, my parents
split the holiday right down the middle, and my brothers and I were
shepherded back and forth between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Even though we scored some serious presents in that short span of
time, it was exhausting to spend Christmas Eve at Dad’s house,
then drive at 11:00 p.m. or midnight back to Mom’s so we could
wake up there to more gifts and different traditions. Luckily after
a few years, my parents thought the schedule was too hectic, too.
So we stopped celebrating at Dad’s house on Christmas Eve
every year and instead celebrated the week before or after.
Then my father
asked us all to write Christmas letters to each other that would
describe the highs and lows of the previous year and our hopes for
the coming one. Whenever we gathered, we would read the letters
out loud to each other, over a box of Kleenex to soak up the many
tears of pain and laughter we shed as we shared our lives and emotions
with each other.
Eventually,
by creating a new way of celebrating the holidays that didn’t
include the harried drives back and forth, we were able to develop
traditions in each of my two households that are completely separate,
but which both make me feel I’m home.
So far, my
husband and his ex haven’t gotten to that place of letting
go. And as you know, stepparents only get to have so much say in
things. My stepchildren are driven back and forth just like I was
in the early days, so each parent gets to spend a little bit of
Christmas with the kids. I whisper into my husband’s ear about
how tough it was to do that as a child and how wonderful it was
when my parents decided to expand their view of the holidays.
Maybe next
year we’ll celebrate on December 21.
If you’re
looking to change up your holiday plans or even if your family celebrates
exactly the same way every year, here are a few tips to help you
survive the holiday season.
Buy
a puzzle. Seriously. One of those giant puzzles with 1,000
pieces or more. Spread it out on a coffee table in a room that is
separate from where all the festivities are occurring. It provides
a quiet place for you to escape to for a while or an activity that
everyone can do together.
Get
Creative. Sit down with your partner and brainstorm a new
family tradition. Perhaps you all go tubing and then gather around
a bonfire to drink hot chocolate. Maybe you spend a day at the beach
(if you live in the warmer climates) and eat holiday cookies you
made yourselves, while sharing the things you’re all thankful
for. You might plant a tree in your backyard and take a picture
of everyone standing near it each year to see how much you’ve
all grown.
Give
assignments. Make sure you’re not the only one doing
the work to make the holidays special. Sit down beforehand and draw
up a list of what needs to be done and by whom, so you don’t
become the holiday maid.
Spread
the responsibility. It’s not your job to ensure that
everyone is having a wonderful holiday season. Ask everyone what
would make the time special and give them the responsibility to
plan an event. For instance, if your husband thinks there should
always be strings of popcorn on the tree that have been threaded
by all the kids, tell him to make it happen.
Take
breaks. I’m a big believer in taking down time to
recharge yourself, especially at stressful times. Even if you’ve
got a household full of guests, you can still create peaceful moments
within the chaos. Sneak off to pet the dog for a few minutes. Shut
and lock the bathroom door, close your eyes and breathe deeply for
ten or twenty breaths.
Notice
the good. We’re all so busy with our daily lives
that it’s hard to remember sometimes to pay attention to what’s
happening right now. Stop whatever you’re doing right this
second and notice your life. What do you love about your life right
now? What are you grateful for? What makes you smile? Try this exercise
during this whirlwind season so you can savor your life and those
you love.
Excerpted
from Jacquelyn B. Fletcher’s December 2007 newsletter Becoming
a Stepmom, available at www.becomingastepmom.com.
Jacquelyn
B. Fletcher is a stepdaughter, stepmother, and mom-to-be. She’s
also the author of A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom
(HarperCollins).
|
