Stepmom Station

By Julie W.

Previous Page...

Learn about “Parallel Parenting”

In a perfect world, all blended families would get along beautifully, and jointly raise happy, well-adjusted, and productive children. However, people do not get divorced because they get along well. As a stepmother and second wife, you may very well find yourself dealing with a contentious ex-wife. Things can be especially heated and bitter when a very young child is involved. At times, it can be impossible to communicate or co-parent with the other parent. This is where parallel parenting comes into play. What parallel parenting means is that at one house there is one routine and one set of rules, and at the other house there is a completely different routine and set of rules. This works well when the parents are hostile to one another. A young child can adjust to this fairly easily, especially if you take the time to explain things such as “Running in the house is okay at mommy’s, and that’s fine. But running in the house is not okay at daddy’s. Two houses means two rules! I know it can be hard sometimes, but let’s try to remember.” Persistent and positive reinforcement guarantees great results.

The name game

Would it bother you to have a toddler whose diapers you change every other day call you by your first name? Some people would be fine with this, some not. What if the child starts calling you “Mommy” one day, which is only natural, seeing as how you are likely mothering him. This is a sore subject. The fear of many a divorced mother is that a new woman will swoop into their child’s life, and usurp their roles. To have their child call another woman mommy is horrifying. However, there are many stepmothers who feel they have earned the right, because they ARE mothering. Aside from that, some stepmothers are not comfortable being called by their first name by a child they parent. Honestly, the decision is between you, your partner, and most importantly, the child. My stepdaughter started calling me “Mommy” shortly before she turned two. I was secretly thrilled, though admittedly uncomfortable with this. I told her to call me “Mama Julie” instead. That seemed to make both her and I happy. Unfortunately, her mother has had a hard time accepting this and still has an issue with it. What is important to me, though, is that my stepdaughter is okay with it. I suggest leaving such a decision up to the child, no matter how young they are. They might surprise you with their solution! Of course, if you object to being called by your first name, definitely come up with an alternative.

I wish I could provide more advice than what I’ve listed here, but as I’ve pointed out, each situation is different and has its own unique problems. I hope that I’ve at least offered some insight or inspired a few ideas for some of my fellow stepmothers. Creating a blended family is difficult, and fraught with worry and heartbreak, but none of us would be here if there wasn’t love and happiness to be had! I wish you all luck on your step-parenting journey.

Julie W. is a freelance writer and stepmom to her husband’s 3 1/2 year old daughter. Expecting their second child together, Julie is also the mom of a one year old daughter with her husband. Julie, a Station member and respected forum moderator from Columbus, OH, can be contacted at sister@ stepmomstation.com