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Historically,
mothers are viewed as the nurturers and fathers viewed as the breadwinners.
When couples with children divorce, there are many assumptions;
- He left his
wife, presumably for a “younger model”
- He doesn’t want to be a full time father
- She is now left alone, saddened and penniless
As well as
many other stereotypical assumptions.
While this
may certainly be the case in some situations, its most definitely
not in all, and in fact, is more the minority than majority.
Time was when
even the court system saw fit to provide custody of the children
to the mother, with the father allowed every other weekend visitation
and told to pay child support. It wasn’t the norm for children
to live with their father and joint custody was something most of
us hadn’t heard of until recent years.
Welcome to
the 21st century!
Newsflash:
fathers want to be parents and in fact, are parents. Many people
forget that in a divorce situation. Many look to the mother to make
decisions, even simple ones such as getting a child’s hair
cut or what clothes the child should wear.
As the owner
and an active member of Stepmom Station, I’ve seen many situations,
running the gamut of custodial schedules and support orders. More
often than not, I’ve seen fathers who want to be involved,
who want to love their children, who want input; often met with
resistance. Resistance from the ex wife and even from family members
and outsiders.
When parents
divorce, they divorce their partner; they do not divorce their children!
No one knows the full extent of any situation except for the two
parties involved, so the automatic assumption that it was his idea
to divorce or that he cheated is unfair. In fact, in my own blended
family situation, it was my husband’s ex wife who wanted the
divorce. (And no, she wasn’t cheating) It’s also completely
irrelevant to his parental status.
Fathers aren’t
bad guys. Maybe some weren’t the best partner, but that can
be said for some ex wives as well. I see too many fathers cow towing
to their ex and her whims for fear of losing their children. Why?
The children are his too. She doesn’t get to decide if he
can be their father, he is their father. One does not lose their
parental title by virtue of divorce. A dad should still be there
to provide love, discipline, financial and emotional support and
everything else that he was providing up to that point.
It’s
high time that society recognizes the equality of fathers as parents
in more areas than just the wallet. That would be best started by
these fathers recognizing as much. Hey guys, you may not be mommy,
but no one else is daddy!
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