The
Realities of a Custody Battle
A
second wife's perspective
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By "MissyM"
Everyone who
has been involved in a custody modification knows how stressful
it can be. I figured that my court battles were over, once my ex-husband
passed away. He and I went through our initial divorce/custody case,
and he took me back to court five times after that, for things that
I considered petty. We came to a decision toward the end that our
child needed both parents, and decided to share our child 50/50.
When I met
my current husband, he was just recently divorced. While we were
dating, his custody arrangement wasn't my business. But it seemed
as if he was able to see his daughter pretty frequently - every
weekend and one night a week. After we got married, I asked to see
his divorce decree. Since his daughter was not school age at the
time of the divorce, it did not address school vacations, holidays,
who would cover the child for medical expenses, etc. Neither of
them had an attorney to ensure that these things were included.
Without sharing
too many specifics, lets just say that his ex-wife decided at some
point to "exercise her control" over the situation, since she was
awarded primary custody in the initial decree. As their daughter
grew older, my husband wanted more time with her...and she with
him. The unfortunate thing was that almost anything would set off
his ex-wife, and she would deny him any extra time with their daughter
as a punishment.
The problems
started when my husband and I got married in late 2000. His ex-wife
was resentful of that, and did some hurtful things to try and throw
a kink in our relationship. Then she started to deny him the extra
time with their daughter, and eventually started following the court
decree to the letter. It was at this time that we started to write
the "Great American Novel", otherwise known as my husband's journal.
Whenever there was interaction with his ex-wife, an entry was made.
We decided a few months later that, since things were not getting
better, he would file for full custody. After that, we both became
super-sleuths, checking into whatever information we could grasp
regarding the situation at his ex's home, and how it was detrimental
to their daughter.
Because this
whole thing can be so stressful to a relationship, we decided on
some ground rules early on. If you are planning to take on a custody
battle, you may find these rules helpful as well.
1. I would
be the "journal, declaration, statement" writer. I had better writing
skills than he did, and this was just a given. I would also be the
"e-mail communicator" to his ex-wife, under his name, of course.
2. We put aside
one evening per week when we would go out, whether it be to dinner,
the local park, or the library. This evening was known as our "date
night", and we still carry on this tradition. The only rule was
that we not talk about the custody case. Also, no kids could accompany
us on this night.
3. Our bedroom
was the "custody case-free" room. We would not talk about the custody
case in our bedroom, under any circumstances. My favorite line when
either my husband or I would break this one was "This is an 'Ex's-Name"
free zone", and both of us would stop what we were saying. I also
enjoyed running into our bedroom when the conversation regarding
the case would get to be too much for me.
4. We quickly
learned that we could not control what his ex-wife would do. If
she sent my stepdaughter over in tight clothing, we couldn't do
anything about it but take the clothing out of the rotation. If
she said bad things about my husband and me, we couldn't do anything
about it. My dear mother taught me a valuable lesson during one
of my many custody cases; she said, "Dear, you need to take the
high road"; meaning, don't talk bad about the other party. This
was, by far, the hardest rule for us to follow. It would have been
so easy to sink down to her level, but we couldn't do it.
5. Financially,
this battle was a HUGE drain. His ex-wife hired an attorney and
filed first. My husband hired an attorney and his declaration was
filed the day after his ex's was. We both agreed though that the
financial aspect of it was secondary to trying to remove my stepdaughter
from what we felt was an unhealthy environment. There were lots
of things that we could have used that money for instead. But any
couple undertaking a custody battle must agree on the financial
issues BEFORE they are incurred.
6. Be ready
for lots of STRESS, STRESS, STRESS. During the custody case, you
will live and breathe the case. There will be something new happening
almost every day, and it can consume you if you let it. We went
by what we called the "24 hour rule" - we could talk about something
for 24 hours, or be mad about it for 24 hours; and then we had to
let it go. You can modify this down to 8 hours, or 12 hours - whatever
works for you.
7. Talk to
sympathetic people about your situation. I turned to my online support
forums when things reach a point where I couldn't cope, and would
get great advice and sympathy.
8. Don't think
that other family members are those "sympathetic people". I found
that my husband's family really didn't want to hear about this stuff.
Neither did the people at work. So choose those "ears you will bend"
wisely.
9. Remember
the facts. Questions like "Why did you marry her?" and "Why is she
such a B-word?" will not help relieve your stress. The fact of the
matter is - He did marry her, had a child with her, and she IS a
B-word. Nothing you can do to change any of that. Remember, you
married him, with the baggage that came along. My husband says that,
instead of baggage, he brought along a cargo ship to our marriage.
10. Remember
that you have other children (if you do), who need your attention.
Neither of our other kids (my son and our daughter) were involved
in this mess, and they deserved our attention as well. Set aside
time for them, without the other kids. My son and I had our "Starbuck's
dates" twice a month after his church youth group. It gave us time
to re-connect and also gave me time to truly enjoy his company,
and get away from the custody case.
11. Do not
have unrealistic expectations. If your husband files for sole custody
and doesn't get it, don't be surprised. Be realistic and realize
that any change in custody time can only benefit the child. Someone
once told me that any change in your favor is good - it may be a
"baby step", but still was good.
12. There are
no winners or losers. Yes, I know. That's not a popular theory.
13. Once the
custody case is over, remember that it is over - for now. Continue
the journal entries, as they could become helpful in the future.
14. Don't think
that the ex-wife has "turned over a new leaf" or has "changed".,
especially if she becomes more agreeable or nice after the case
is over. Because--what do they say? - "Leopards don't lose their
spots". Neither do ex-wives. Or ex-husbands.
My husband's
custody case lasted 2 years. It absolutely consumed our thoughts
and lives for that long. And what was the final result? Some additional
time with SD; from 25% to 33% of the time. Not a huge change, but
it is better than no change. But the relationship between my husband
and I changed dramatically, and actually for the better. We worked
together on this, and even though it didn't turn out the way that
we had hoped, it did result in a great deal of lifestyle changes
for the better in his ex-wife's life, which will ultimately be good
for their daughter.
Also, we both
have learned to cherish the time that we have with his daughter,
and involve ourselves in whatever we can to increase the time that
we see her. Be
creative - consider going to school to have lunch with your skid(s),
or volunteer in their classroom. Be at their activities or practices.
The bottom line is that the child will benefit greatly from your
involvement in their lives, regardless of how much they are with
you.
Remember what
I said about it being over - for now? Well, 4 months after this
court case was over, my husband went to court and got physical custody
of SD. What happened? BM was abused by her former husband, had to
go into a women's shelter and had every intention of taking SD with
her. My husband had the good sense to contact his attorney, and
they filed for full custody, which he received. It is now going
on 2 years with us having SD 80% and BM having 20%. The custody
arrangement has now taken on a different dynamic…but that is a story
for another day!
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