|
By Julie
W.
 When
I first met my future stepdaughter, she was 17 months old. Seeing
as how she was barely able to speak, there was no way to explain
to her who I was, or what I was doing with her father. Sometimes
she would eye me suspiciously and cling to her father’s neck, other
times I had her shrieking in laughter, like a large playmate. She
was obviously confused about my role in her life, though. Just as
confused as I was.
I had no children of my own. My experience with young children was
limited to a short, ill-fated run at a daycare center. My husband
has 50/50 custody, so half the week I became an instant parent,
without the faintest idea of what I was doing. My husband was an
extremely involved father, but sometimes he was so much of a “dad”
and less of a parent. He’d feed her apple pie for breakfast and
argue that at least it had apples in it. So I felt the need to step
in and be a perfect parent. Problem was, there were huge gaps in
my knowledge. For instance, I knew how to change a diaper, thanks
to my time at the daycare center, but it never occurred to me to
brush my stepdaughter’s teeth. Ridiculous little things like that
were the source of constant worry. Did I do enough of this, did
I do enough of that, would her mother be angry with me if I did
this, what if she falls down and scrapes her knee? Every little
thing seemed to take on momentous importance, especially because
my stepdaughter was a child of divorce, and I was terrified of “screwing
her up” and being the archetypal “evil stepmother”.
See, one of the most worrisome things about having a very young
stepchild is sorting out what’s typical, age-appropriate behavior
(or misbehavior), and what is a “child of divorce” or abnormal behavior.
For instance, my stepdaughter developed a serious biting problem
when she was about 20 months old. She would not only bite other
children, but she would bite herself. She bit herself so frequently
and so badly that both her arms were constantly covered in bite
marks and bruises. Many toddlers bite, for a variety of reasons.
But I was convinced this was a manifestation of some kind of issue
she was having with being shuffled between two homes at an age when
children require routine and stability. My husband and I decided
to move closer to her mother so that the child wouldn’t spend so
much time in the car, and we could have more quality time with her.
The self-biting behavior disappeared. However, she continued to
bite other children. After reading many parenting books, we decided
to classify the biting of others as age-appropriate misbehavior.
There’s no guidebook or map as to how to navigate a relationship
with a very young stepchild. And recommendations will vary according
to your custodial situation. I can only offer up my experiences
to show that you are not alone in your thoughts, feelings, and questions,
and to offer you a few tips as to how to cultivate a good relationship.
The following is a list of hopefully helpful pointers on how to
ease into your relationship with a very young stepchild, and cut
down on your anxiety:
Don’t take over.
Chances are, your significant other is a capable, involved parent.
Leave the diaper changes, bath times, and mealtimes to him, unless
he specifically asks for help. Define early on what you are willing
or unwilling to do in terms of basic caretaking for the child.
Define Parenting Expectations.
Ask your significant other what kind of role he wants you to play
in the child’s life. Does he want you to be an equal parent/partner?
If so, is he willing to let you discipline the child without undermining
you? Will he enforce obedience and respect? Or would he rather you
play the role of a fun companion, there to play with and entertain
the child, while he does the “work” of parenting? It is extremely
important to nail down a role that you and you partner can agree
on as soon as possible. It will cut down in confusion for the child.
Continued...
|
